I am humbled and honored to host Vanessa as an author on Sluttish. She will be telling you her stories of being a bondage model, a slave in a BDSM relation, a sex worker, a professional dominatrix, a lover. Please keep in mind, these stories are not here to lure people into sex work or present it in a glamorous way. The author is also not here to be judged. She is presenting her personal experience, with the ups and downs that all of us have in our career and life choices. And these are the goals of hosting these stories - to present sex work for what it is: work, and human sexuality with its rich and diverse flavors. Some of the stories talk about sensitive and maybe triggering issues, such as discovering your sexuality at an early age - please be respectful to what the author is sharing and rest assured she is not doing it to advertise one way or another of dealing with one's sexuality, but to present her very personal experience.

My first encounter with BDSM was through my own mind. At 13 I started to fantasize about a man - who he was changed with crushes I had and movies I had seen - but the fantasy was the same. I was trapped across a man’s lap while he spanked me hard and mercilessly. I dreamed about pain and more than anything about being controlled and dominated. Sometimes the woman in the fantasies wasn’t me; she was older and very sensual - she had thigh high boots and exclusive lingerie. Making her someone else made the fantasy easier to enjoy without shame.

I still vividly remember sitting at my computer browsing erotic short stories a year or so after these fantasies began. I went through every category - researching my own sexuality. I left one category untouched until the end because I had never heard the category’s name before.

To this day I remember my eyes widening and a feeling like a hot wave running through my head when I opened the last category: BDSM. There it was - stories of slaves, masters, mistresses, pain, pleasure, submission, torture. I wasn’t alone and I hadn’t made it up.

I greedily opened story after story, looked at the pictures. The images of dungeons, bruised skin, the masks. It seemed to me like a wonderland and I wanted nothing more than to go down the rabbit hole.

I later tried to introduce my sex partners to my thoughts, but I was mostly met with hesitation. Most men are taught from boyhood not to hit girls - a good lesson learned no doubt - but to me, it was a frustrating block to my exploration that I seemed unable to find a man who was willing to give me more than a light fly swat to my ass cheek.

Years later I met my first real SM play partner on Tinder, Adam. Adam is a sadomasochist and all round sexual deviant - while at the same time being one of the most empathic and warm-hearted people I have ever met. He was in the army and spent his free time boxing and chaining a different woman to his bed each night. He wasn’t in the market for a relationship and it suited me perfectly because neither was I.

Conversation flowed easily between us from the first moment we met in person and the evening ended at his one-room flat. It looked from the first glance like your average bachelor pad. Nothing that wasn’t needed; bed, TV, a small table and his bicycle leaned up against the wall. I would soon learn that 3 of the cupboards contained painful SM equipment and torture devices and that the bed was cleverly rigged with attachments and bolts for chains in corners and behind the solid wooden headboard.

When I first stepped into the flat Adam poured me a glass of wine before walking over to his bed. I was nervous. I had wanted this for so long but how did I know it wasn’t all in my head? What if I didn’t like it? I had these thoughts while standing as if frozen on the middle of the floor.

Adam looked at me and sat down on the mattress - gestured that I should sit down next to him - I did. He opened the drawers by his bed and pulled out chains, leather wrist cuffs, and a cane as well as a ball gag. He laid the wrist cuffs in my hands.

“We won't chain you up today” - he said. I felt a shot of disappointment through my stomach and chest and Adam laughed at my facial expression. “I know you want the chains, but not today. You’ll get them another day. Today you still don’t know me.” I tried to protest, I wanted the chains - I wanted to play the whole game. Adam refused again - “I said not today. You don’t know me and there is plenty of time for chains later. Now, we will start softer and build the level of pain when we see how much you can take. If its too much just tap the bed with your hand or tell me to stop - you say stop - I stop - always. Ok?” I nodded. Adam smiled briefly before his facial expression went through a sudden change. It went from warm and smiling to stern and hard. He grabbed me by the throat, put his face close to mine and growled “Good, now take off your fucking clothes”

I remember the train ride home after. How my skin felt as if on fire. I hadn’t tapped out - hadn’t told him to stop. My ass cheeks were covered in hard red lines from the caning that had become more severe for each stroke. I leaned into the feeling and moved in my train seat to increase the burning sensation, I already wanted more.

The following days I studied my bruises, touched them and photographed their progression - from red to light blue - to dark purple and almost black - to green before they faded. Adam introduced me to his own kinks through our games. For months I would visit him every Sunday and we spent our time with movies, junk food, and hardcore SM. I learned one of the most important things in my sexual exploration from our play - try it twice. The first time might be ruined by nervousness, tension, stress from outer events or something else - but if you feel like it might be fun, pleasurable or exciting don’t let a bad first try ruin it - the next time it might suddenly reveal itself as something amazing.

Adam and I are still good friends to this day and we talk often - but we haven’t played in 2 years and we won't play again. We have moved on - slipped into a great and close friendship and I'll always be glad I met him. For his warm nature and cruel sadism - for giving me a place to stay when I needed it - for teaching me self-defense when I started escorting and for always being there with carefully thought out and good advice whenever needed. I hold Adam in a very high regard and I would recommend any woman with a curiosity about BDSM to let herself be chained to Adams bed.